Research has shown that the Old Trafford gig on July 4th by Radiohead attracted more wankers than any previous gig.
It is estimated that, of the 31,000 crowd, 68.7% were utter tosspots. The total of 21,297 gits in the crowd narrowly (by 297) beat the previous record when the Stereophonics played to 21,000 of their fans, probably somewhere in Wales.
“The gig was awesome” said 20 year old Siobbanah Fitzrovia who has been a Radiohead fan since her boyfriend told her she was “We got there a whole 20 minutes before Radiohead came in and there were like loads of people there who had like been standing all afternoon. We pushed our way through loads of them until we were like literally in a gap of two inches between the person in front and the one behind. Then when Radiohead came on I like had to keep telling Tony how much I love him and how brilliant it was we were here and everything that had happened since I last saw him. After 10 minutes the man behind me told me to shut the fuck up but he was like obviously just joking coz like I’ve got a right to chat to my boyfriend. But then he poured a glass of warm piss over me, called me a selfish twat and moved away.”
Fan of being seen in places Gary Lairy said “I went along coz everyone who’s anyone was going and the lads Baz, Daz and Chaz got me a ticket. Obviously we had loads of bevvies and got the Jeremy Clarkson chant going. And during all the quiet, boring sings, well, it was up to us to keep the party atmosphere by shrieking like deranged baboons and giving it loads of bantz. But then some bloke told us to shut the fuck up. We thought that was his effort at joining in the bantz so we carried on. He poured a pint of warm piss over me, called us a bunch of selfish twats and moved on.”
Godrich Stanley, an estate agent, told us “The gig was intense and I paid attention to it for at least 15% of the time. But my colleague Colin was there and I absolutely had to fill him in on the details of a canal side development in Fallowfield. I’d only been talking to Col for about 15 minutes when a bloke told me to shut the fuck up. I told him I’d paid for my ticket and I’d do what the hell I liked. He replied so had he and so would he, poured a pint of warm piss over my head, called me a selfish twat and moved away.”
Music bore Andy Strains said ‘I’d only been explaining to my wife for 10 minutes how 1+1=3 is one of the most complex modern rock songs due to the key changes, the 7/8 time signature and the deliberate discordance when a man told me to shut the fuck up. I tried to explain how important an appreciation of the technical aspects of the music was but he poured a pint of warm piss over my head, called me a selfish twat and walked off.”
Finally we spoke to long-time fan Pablo Honeyshaw who said “Radiohead were brilliant. The problem was that I’d estimate about 69% of the crowd were utter bellends who care nothing about the music or anyone else. They reckon it’s all about them. And by about halfway through the set I ran out of beer money so I couldn’t produce any more warm piss.”
