In shock revelations that will shake the Roman Catholic Church to its very foundations, stories are emerging alleging child sex abuses and so called “kiddy-fiddling” at Ampleforth School.

What are certain to be the very first cases of Catholic Priests touching up boys are sure to cause a seismic shock amongst the faithful. Many parents are still struggling to come to terms with the very idea that middle-aged, sexually repressed men in medieval dresses would betray the trust of children placed in their care.

Cuthbert Humpleby, father of 2 boys at the school and a former pupil himself, was clearly in shock. “I’m clearly in shock” he told us “When I was there Brother Cormac O’Cormac-Cormac would often play with us and read us night-time stories. A great man – He buggered me senseless for 3 years but to think that Sexual Abuse was going on at the same time? Unthinkable!” he continued.

The Pope himself is believed to have been made aware of the allegations and The Vatican is moving fast to deal with this quickly and effectively. He has established a Papal Commission under the purview of Cardinal Francisco del Inquisitor.

The Cardinal was clearly shocked “I’m clearly shocked” he told us. “However, when dealing with young boys in the Catholic Church it is vital we get to the bottom and stay at the bottom…always the bottom until we have finished” he continued, hopefully demonstrating a merely good but not perfect grasp of English. “There can be no hiding place for the guilty and, by Papal Bull, the Inquisition – I mean Commission but of course! – has far ranging powers.” These include;

· Moving any guilty Priest or Monk quietly to an orphanage for young boys in Rwanda

· Quietly promoting any guilty Priest or Monk to a town in Southern Ireland where the roads are bad and there is no internet

· Finding a town in Mid-West America that has no child protection services and a famous Boys Choir and quietly moving any guilty Priest or Monk there

· Blaming the boys themselves and promising them a life in Purgatory if they ever repeat the allegations

· Paying cash to their parents

· Making the Headmaster of Ampleforth a Saint and stating any discussion of his peccadillos to be Heresy

Ampleforth School were unavailable for comment. However they did say they would respond to these allegations once they got back their laptops, mobile phones, printers, memory sticks and 2 lorry-loads of photo-albums back from the Police.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.