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Maurice Oxford

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Power vacuum at the top of British politics sponsored by Dyson

Into the breach steps the face that launched a thousand suckers, James Dyson. He wants the country to shake the dust off its feet...

Mexican earthquake disaster: whose faultline is it anyway?

At the Herald, we do not make fun of the suffering of innocent disaster victims, but we do point fingers. Less Mock the Weak,...

New BananaPhone for men undersized, unreliable, and turns itself off when you want to...

The new BananaPhone has been launched exclusively at the male market. It has a retractable cover which simply pulls down for ease of use,...
McDonald's

McDonald’s launches monster fatburger

Lard-loving fast food fanatics McDonald's made the announcement immediately following the news that London's sewers have been blocked by vast deposits of insoluble grease. The...

Don’t vote for a chaotic Brexit, says cause of chaotic Brexit

Loose cannon David Davis describes the scattergun approach to Brexit as "regrettable". The strident anti-EU campaigner wants the UK to cut the European cord,...
Average Joe

I have no idea what’s going on, says Will of the People

The infamous Will of the People has finally been outed by Rochdale Herald researchers. His real name is Will Fallfrit, and he has opened...
Theresa May

May is a dead duck pushing a white elephant, says Lord Harris

Carpet magnate Lord Harris has given May a high-quality luxury carpeting. "May is a dead duck pushing a white elephant" is not quite what...
Bicycles

London to trial riderless bikes in 2018

The announcement made at an event in central London. Mayor Sadiq Khan came onto stage to the strains of Queen's Bicycle Race to unveil...
Princess Diana

Don’t buy the Daily Mail on 31 August

It's the 20th anniversary of the death of Princess Diana. Remember her, if you will. Pray for her and her family, if that's your...

Stephen Hawking hasn’t got a leg to stand on, says Jeremy Hunt

Health Secretary Jeremy C. Hunt has responded to Hawking's criticism of NHS reforms in a series of tweets, which are pompous even by Hunt's...

Daily Mail fury as NO MIGRANTS are going to be killed as a result...

The Mail and the Express allege that the silence of the clangs is meant to be a mark of respect timed to coincide with the twentieth anniversary of Princess Diana's death.

New father awarded medal for empathy by comparing childbirth to having a tricky poo

"My partner, Honeydew, was having an awful time squeezing little Clytemnestra out. It reminded me of a time I had ferocious constipation and needed half an hour to curl one out." He spread a little ketchup on his sausage.

Black death condemned for being racist

Traditional remedies, like bleeding and mercury, have proved ineffective. Complementary therapists have suggested vaccination, but have been dismissed by mothers who prefer their infants to die naturally rather than to become autistic church goers.

People who start sentences with ‘I’m not racist, but’ are definitely about to say...

Indeed, not one instance was found of a non-racist comment following "I'm not a racist, but."

Norman Conquest renamed as nobody wanted a King Norman I

The Normans, with their cry of "Battle Means Battle!" defeated the English army, shooting an arrow into the eye of the English King Harold. Bet he didn't see that coming.
Venezuela

Sinn Fein election observer confirms Venezuelan blowjobs, cocaine and elections are best in world

"I've had my share of blowjobs," confirms Jarry Odoms, mouthpiece of Sinn Fein. "But nobody does erections, I mean elections, like the Venezuelans. Now...

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