Carpet magnate Lord Harris has given May a high-quality luxury carpeting. “May is a dead duck pushing a white elephant” is not quite what Lord Harris said, but the Herald is never afraid to put words into the mouths of prominent people.

In a coruscating slam-dunk attack he dismantled May and her grim struggle to cling on to power by the varnish on her chipped fingernails.

Westminster sources were quick to attempt to brush the attack under the rug. The red carpet has been stashed away, but the unwelcome doormat remains in place at number ten. For now.

Lord Harris was on a roll (at £14.99 per square metre), flooring Boris Johnson and describing Michael Gove as “about as interesting as cheap underlay”. He then changed tack, nailing an argument about Labour being a better bet for rescuing the Brexit white elephant in the beautifully shag-piled room. I doubt that many prominent Tories will be having a night on the carpet tiles with Lord Harris in the near future.

The PM recently made an appearance at Lord’s, presumably to encourage the England cricket team to plumb even greater depths against a weak West Indies team. May is an admirer of Geoffrey Boycott. Often described as a stubborn old bugger who hangs around for far too long, she has shown no inclination to get out of Downing Street.

“Bear with us,” is the dead duck’s message as the Brexit elephant continues to fox everybody. May continues to swan about like she’s top dog, despite the catty remarks.

Keeping the European wolves from the door and transforming the sluggish UK into a tiger economy is a mammoth task. Lord Harris clearly thinks May is too much of a chicken.
Surely it is only a matter of time before May is transferred to the elephant’s graveyard that is the House of Lords.