In 1066, the population of Great Britain was divided into three main tribes: the Anglo-Saxons, the Britons, and the Celtic fans. The Celts were confined to the fringes of the country, like the Lunatic Fringe and the Edinburgh Fringe.

The Normans came from Normandy. Their weapons were manufactured in nearby Brittany, by the Brittany Spears company. Brittany Spears had recently diversified, supplying light clubs for consensual domestic violence under the brand name Hit Me Baby One More Time.

The Battle of Hastings was not fought on the beach at Hastings over which side put their towels down first, as many believe. It was actually fought at the nearby town of Battle, but the battle was renamed as historians believed that the Battle of Battle sounded too silly. The Normans, with their cry of “Battle Means Battle!” defeated the English army, shooting an arrow into the eye of the English King Harold. Bet he didn’t see that coming.

Defeated, the sullen Brits shuffled along a bit to allow the Normans room.

The victorious Norman conquerer, Norman D. Landings, was declared King. However, ‘King Norman’ didn’t have the necessary regal air. Ye Dailye Maile asked, frequently, “What’s wrong with an old-fashioned English name like Beorhtwulf or Sigeberht?”. Eventually the public was asked to propose a name for their new king.

The most popular response was Kingy McKingface.

Despite an outcry, the Will Of The People was mutated to ‘William’, and rule by Southern Softies began. Rumblings of dissent continued, though. Tapestry bloggers based in Bayeux made an almost instant response, and illiterate malcontents were soon sewing variants on the theme of ‘We wont are country bak’. By 1086 the rumblings were loud enough to trigger an official response. The Domesday Book was a totalitarian document, but did at least promise £350m a week for the NHS. A referendum was held, with the promise of “Whatever You Want”, and both eligible voters opted for the Status Quo.

To avoid this sort of thing ever happening again, all future referenda were declared null and void.

Norman D. Landings and his semi-mythical wife, Moon, had a son, Rufus, meaning ginger. His parentage was questioned, setting a precedent for future red-headed royals.

Get monthly highlights in your inbox