The infamous Will of the People has finally been outed by Rochdale Herald researchers. His real name is Will Fallfrit, and he has opened his heart to the Herald.
Will Fallfrit is a pleasant if unexceptional man, with a pleasant if unexceptional job, and a pleasant if unexceptional, well, you get the picture. How did he get to be Will of the People?
“It was the result of an extensive study by Statistics Weekly,” Will confesses. “I was found to be the most average person in the country with 125% certainty. I was contacted by David Cameron’s team when they were canvassing opinions on Brexit. I said that immigration was always an important issue, and £350m a week more for the NHS sounded good. But now all I hear is Will of the People, Will of the People,” he says desperately. “And I have no idea what’s going on!”
Head negotiator David Davis, once described as “the acceptable face of Nigel Farage”, is taking his cue from Will. This has given rise to a situation described as the blind leading the blinkered. Will has requested to be included in the forming of Brexit policy, since he is after all Will of the People. “I was turned down, though,” says Will glumly. “Apparently I’m an expert now, so they don’t want me.”
Theresa May is reportedly worried about the threat posed by Will. Sources close to the Paranoid Premier say she fears a leadership bid from Will, as she believes that Will is the driving force behind Brexit. “It’s nonsense,” says Will. “I have no desire to lead the country. Even that Rees-Mogg chap would do a better job than me.” You wonder what must run through the wheatfields of her mind.
It becomes clearer by the day that the EU plans to convince Will that Brexit?s castles in the air conceal a house of cards which could tumble like dominoes at any moment. “Now I don’t know what to believe,” says Will. “Does Brexit really mean Brexit? If not, what exactly does it mean?”
That’s a question we would all like answered.
