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Dick Turnip

19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.

Do I still get lunch asks hungry 6 year old

In light of the slim Conservative majority, primary school children up and down the nation awake today uncertain of their future meal prospects. "Will I...
Theresa May

Theresa May to meet voters to tell them to fuck off in person

The results are in and Theresa May is to remain Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, sort of, probably for a bit at least...

Nick Clegg announced to appear on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here

After being metaphorically bludgeoned to death by his electorate, former MP and Liberal Democrats leader Nick Clegg has left politics with his reputation in...

Farron u-turns and joins coalition after McDonnell says he’ll let him sip his beer

"A coalition? No absolutely not we will not do it" said Tim Farron, earlier today at the Westminster bar. However, moments later the Liberal Democrat...
Corbyn Elbow Patches

Scandal as Corbyn in the pocket of big elbow-patch manufacturing

Labour leader and beardy weirdy Jeremy Corbyn is facing a scandal this evening. It has been uncovered by the Herald that Corbyn has been...

Tim Farron’s Andrew Neil interview cancelled for Bake off

Tim Farron has been left looking sheepish in his chair after Andrew Neil cancelled the Liberal Democrat leader's interview just moments into the opening statement. Neil interrupted...

PG tips bribery scandal uncovered as Tim Farron makes ‘put the kettle on’ jibe

In the wake of the Leaders debate on the BBC, it has been alleged that lib dem leader Tim Farron was paid a substantial amount...

Diane Abbott quits shadow cabinet to be the new face of Soul Glo

Diane Abbott has shocked the nation by resigning from the shadow cabinet days before election week in order to be the new face of Soul...

Rochdale A+E under stress from record levels of chafing

A + E departments and walk in clinics are struggling to deal with thousands of cases of extreme chafing caused by the hot weather. John Welsby...
Riot Police

Sweaty riot erupts in Leeds after Argos runs out of pedestal fans

As the temperature hits 25C in Leeds sweaty rioters armed with Soleros and Lyon's Maid Choc Ices are rioting in Leeds Centre and are...

Three in critical condition after tragic scone miss-pronunciation attack

Police have closed access to Battenburg street in Middleton today as the investigation into an altercation at the Middleton tea rooms has left three...

Labour tops FB polls as Conservative voters are busy working for a living

Labour tops Facebook election polls up and down the country as all the Conservative voters are too busy out working for a living to participate...

Theresa May’s constant turning catches attention of the Royal Ballet

Theresa May has once again been forced into a U turn on policy, this time on the so called 'Dementia Tax'.  It comes after a series...
Old people

Tories relying on the elderly to forget about the Dementia Tax to win election

After announcing their proposal for elderly social care, Theresa May and the Conservative Party went down in the polls harder than an OAP slipping on an...

NHS admit to clicking ‘remind me later’ on McAfee update for seven years straight

NHS digital has come under fire from computer security professionals; as an investigation into yesterday's Malware virus has revealed NHS used McAfee and hadn't updated it...
Man Reading Menu

Man reading menu is just going to have the burger

A Haywood man has spent the last 10 minutes reviewing each item on the menu at a Pub Bistro in Haywood only to decide to...

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