Labour tops Facebook election polls up and down the country as all the Conservative voters are too busy out working for a living to participate in them, a Facebook poll has found.

Full time mummy Candice Burberry said “The kids went to school this morning giving me a few hours free to watch Jezza, That’s Kyle not Corbyn, and Loose Women; I then noticed that Zoe down the road had shared a voting poll for the Rochdale area; well, I heard Corbyn wants to make minimum wage a tenner per hour, I might get a job if it starts paying that well, so I voted for them using the ‘laugh’ like emoji.”

We caught up with Conservative voter Laura Perry on her lunch break who said “I don’t have the luxury of polling on facebook, I’m busy handling 6 accounts and filling out a report which needs sending off in about 30 minutes; now do you mind, I want to finish my sandwich then get back to it.”

19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.