A + E departments and walk in clinics are struggling to deal with thousands of cases of extreme chafing caused by the hot weather.

John Welsby of Middleton was turned away from a walk in clinic and is having to find a remedy from the local chemist.

“I’m in agony. I’ve blistered all over my crotch from the constant nut adjustment and pulling my boxer shorts out my crack. It’s definitely the worst case of sweaty balls I’ve ever had and they’ve turned me away… What on earth does my National Insurance payments go on, if not this?”

The Herald also spoke to Lindsey Barker of Haywood, who has been through triage at Rochdale Infirmary. She is now waiting for ward admittance.

“I put on my daisy duke denims and hit the park to enjoy the sunshine. Sure, my thighs were rubbing but I didn’t realize the danger in this heat. Before I knew it WOOSHK, friction caused a spontaneous eruption… Second degree burns from my knees to my lady garden.”

A government spokesperson said,

“We recommend all people to take due care in the heat and moisturize your batty crease and bingo wings.”

19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.