As the Olympic curling competition reaches its 14th straight day, Russian athlete Alexander Krushelnitsky has tested positive for the stimulant RedBull and been banished from the games.
As viewers all over the world struggle to stay awake while people push chunks of granite along the floor, the actual competitors are unable to use any of the stimulants available to the public in their efforts to stay awake.
Olympic officials told waiting press, “The use of RedBull has been prohibited since 2002, when the 3 week long competition was completed in only 2 frantic days. Now, in our quest to keep viewers wondering what the hell the fuss is about, Curlers are only allowed to use traditional methods to stay awake. These include tweezing their pubes with a pair of pliers, sticking bamboo under their fingernails, and having hot coals stuffed down their pants.”
As the Olympic slipping, sliding and slithering in all disciplines continues endlessly, in temperatures painfully below zero, many are questioning why athletes aren’t allowed to do anything to make the process more bearable.
Random viewer Nigel Colinson told the Herald, “That guy is doing the Giant Slalom in subzero temperatures while wearing a morph suit. I wore one on a stag night in Edinburgh and got frostbite on my cock.
“Give the poor bugger a coat at least”
