Rochdale residents have been angered by a DNA profiling study that showed that many weren’t descendants of native Rochdaleans at all.
The study, run by Rochdale Community University, was attended by a large array of Rochdale residents.
One resident told us, “My mum and dad came from Rochdale. We can trace our family back to the Doomsday book. I was shocked when I got the results back and they said I was Mongolian. I work for British Telecom. How am I going to explain that one?”
Another resident said, “I’m 60% potato apparently. They also said the mitochondria they took the DNA from might have been viruses once. Right now I’m really questioning my great grandmothers choices.”
Other residents discovered they’re actually 70% slug, many were 98% chimp with one Oldham Athletic fan being 99% chimp. One resident, Cliff Edge said, “59% banana. I’m basically banana man. This is going to take some getting over. How do the mechanics of that work? Will I be too bendy to be allowed through customs in Europe? I go to Australia next month. They might not let me in on account of me being foreign fauna.”
Other residents have been forced to confront awkward issues of identity. Kipper Herring told us, “I always thought that because I had red hair that I was Scandinavian or Celtic. Now they’ve said the mutation for red hair is actually central Asian. I’m not racist but that’s devastating. I travel by longboat and everything.”
The findings come a week after Rochdale college released results that showed that 99% of bar nuts contain Nigel Farage’s DNA. A result Mr Farage refutes saying, “This is just what some experts think. It’s not true. It’s because I’m 88% pork scratching and that’s what was found. Pork scratchings and bar nuts are always found together.”
It’s unclear what will happen now but many residents wish to burn down the laboratory so that this can never happen again.
