Having survived a terror attack last Thursday the British parliament has been delivered another shock with the news that the Official Monster Raving Loony Party has told newly independent MP Douglas Carswell that he is just TOO weird to become the party’s first ever MP.
Carswell announced that he was quitting the UK Independence Party (UKIP), the party he joined in 2014 when he quit the Conservative Party to become the party’s firs and only ever MP having held the seat of Clacton East and Dogger Bank in the 2015 general election.
Despite confirming that he planned to sit as an independent rumours had circulated that he instead planned to join The OMRLP with several allegedly “In The Know” MPs pointing out that he was already several sandwiches short of a picnic, as nutty as a fruit cake and as mad as cheese and so a perfect fit. .
Those rumours were quashed Sunday when Official Monster Raving Loony Party spokesman Baron Von Thunderclap announced that the party had no plans to allow Pigswill to become an official raving loony, and in the process the party’s first ever MP.
“We’d take Gove, even though he is an utter TWAT, we’d take Hunt even though his eyes are too close together, or Johnson…..but Carswell? Nah he’s just too bloody weird.” said Thunderclap.
“I mean just look at him, if that stood next to you on a station platform you’d jump under the next train,” he said.
Speaking to reporters on his departure from UKIP Carswell Sunday claimed he held no animosity whatsoever towards party leader, Paul Nuttall – who was recently forced to resign as Archbishop of Canterbury, after his embarrassing defeat in the Stoke by-election..
Similarly he expressed no animosity towards former party leader Nigel Farage who recently paused during a signing session for the new Oxford English Dictionary to tell reporters that he was so fed up with Carswell that he’d had a word with “his mate Don” to ensure that he wouldn’t be “droning on much longer, if you get my drift”, he winked.
Brideswell also expressed his continued admiration for UKIP’s main financial backer Arron Banks despite the latter’s frequent disparaging comments about his record as UKIP’s only ever MP.
“Arron may look like the rear end of a bulldog that has miraculously developed powers of speech but he is actually phenomenally rich, and looks like he knows people who know people that I probably wouldn’t want to get to know, he said.
Carswell declined to comment on his rejection by the loonies, pointing out only that there are plenty of other political parties in the UK that would be pleased to welcome someone with his wealth of parliamentary experience.
“With the death of Martin McGuiness there’s a vacancy at the top of Sinn Fein. We may have had our differences over the years but at least I know the way to Westminster,” he said, referring to the sixteen years McGuinness served as an MP without ever attending parliament.
