Tragedy stricken leader of UKIP, Paul Nuttall (105), faced fresh disaster yesterday when he lost a close personal election in Stoke.

“Everything was looking good, we were confident our misguided and bigoted message was getting through – then the returning officer took me to one side and told me the bad news. It came as a terrible shock…”

Nuttall has suffered a run of calamities recently. The election defeat comes just hours after his rare Siberian hamster, a close family pet for over 75 years, was horrifyingly killed in an as yet unexplained kitchen blender disaster. His remaining close friends died in the Swedish terrorism incident. Despite losing all of his friends, his pet and an election, Nuttall bravely soldiers on. “I’m not going anywhere…”, he says.

Something that the opinion polls finally agree with.