In a move that has been described as both “batshit crazy” and “utterly, utterly mental”, US President Donald Trump has revealed plans to appoint Mr Muscle™ as his new advisor on the Coronavirus epidemic.
The announcement comes in the wake of a chaotic press conference on Thursday, during which the President suggested that doctors could look at the injection of disinfectant as a possible cure for the disease. The suggestion has been dismissed as nonsensical and outright dangerous by medical professionals.
“So I heard about this guy who, he’s a great guy, very clean, very tough, and he kills, you know, he kills the bad things that live everywhere, that make you sick,” Trump told reporters.
“They say he loves the jobs you hate, and we know all about those jobs, I know more about those jobs than anyone, believe me, so I think this guy could be good for us, I really do. I’ve heard his motto is ‘Clean less, live more’, which I’m sure you agree, we all want to live more, though I would actually say clean more too, but that’s just me, but I think we should be looking at that too.”
Baffled reporters were quick to challenge Trump on the proposed appointment, highlighting that Mr Muscle™ was in fact a fictional character created to advertise a brand of household cleaner, making it difficult for him to hold an advisory post within the White House.
“You’re saying he’s not real, well I’m saying that you’re not real, you’re fake news,” he said angrily, before changing the subject to talk about his ratings.
Professor Graham Spigot, Head of Virology at Rochdale Community College, told that Herald that although a lot of conventional cleaning products could be effective at killing the virus on hard surfaces, the same would probably not apply if injected into the human body.
“Don’t be so fucking stupid,” he said, “though I would definitely recommend mainlining a good litre of bleach if you’re thinking of voting for that moron again in November.”
Within the last five minutes, it has been announced that burns units across the United States have been put on standby after hearing that Trump has been told that viruses can also be killed with naked flames.
