Troubled budget airline Ryanair today announced plans to ease their ongoing pilot strike issues by confirming they will now charge customers to fly their planes.
With services still facing disruption, boss Michael O’Leary moved swiftly to quell uncertainty by announcing plans to roll out the all new ‘Fly it your Feckin Self’ (FIYFS) scheme, which will see passengers pay to fly the plane on the route which they have chosen from early 2020.
Speaking to the assembled press, O’Leary was in buoyant mood about the groundbreaking new option.
‘It’s a simple evolution really – over the years, we’ve regularly asked our customers to do things we can’t be arsed to do. Check themselves and their baggage in, print off their own boarding cards… we make out this is for efficiency, but it’s basically because we would have to stump up a wage for someone to do this, and then it hit me, whats the ultimate superfluous admin cost? The so called pilots, that’s what!!’
‘This is just the first step in our grand plan – we eventually will expect our customers to carry our cabin crew duties from 2021, and build the planes by 2023, but the pilot issue is the most pressing need. We forecast with the new move, we will basically only have to pay to run our website servers soon, unless we can get our customers to run that for us too – kerching!
O’Leary confirmed the new scheme was also a gauntlet thrown to disenting customers for some reason unsatisfied with the services Ryanair currently offer.
‘It’s also your chance to you put your money where your mouth is – you lot pay feck all and yet feedback consistently shows you’re still not happy when we’re 55 seconds late to whichever shithole British enclave you’re rocking up in for your egg and chips, so our question is simple – you think you can do better than our talented crew of infant pilots, when they can be arsed to turn up to work? Well fly it your feckin self then!’
No sooner had the news broke had the first trialist taken up O’Leary’s challenge, with Kevin Burke from Burkeshire confirming he had upgraded his upcoming cattle class seat from Shiteton International to Fel-a-rak-aaaaaaaaaay to FIYFS.
‘Yeah, I’ll do it, why not? They’re always banging on about customers doing everything themselves for efficiency, clearly they mean for their own operating efficiency, as it’s completely woeful for customers. Balls to it, I’ll fly it, at least I’ll give some good bantz to the ATC lads.’
‘It can’t be that hard to fly a plane. Have you seen the state of the pilots they employ these days? It’s like Bugsy Malone but with oversized pilot uniforms, the union is basically like a creche, I’m surprised they had time to fly at all between nappy changes.’
‘I’ll have a sift through the 15 page pilot training PDF they sent me later, but I used to play on Simcopter when I was younger – yeah I know that was a helicopter, and also a game, but I reckon the basic premise is the same.’
