The Government has announced a radical new plan to help, hard pressed, under-performing multi-million pound hedge fund managers make up the short-fall in their balance sheets.
The hedge fund managers have been finding trading difficult in recent days, mainly linked to the ups and downs of the Brexit shenanigans. The government has stepped in to help these hard-pressed city traders, by selling them RBS shares at a discount.
Charlie Winn-Winn explained that the boost had come just in time for the next bonus season and thanks to the Chancellors intervention he could now afford to upgrade his yacht to one with a built in heli-pad. Apparently, it has been a tough year.
The Treasury bought the shares at £5.02. The Chancellor, Philip Hammond, showing the legendary business acumen for which the Tories are so rightly famed sold them at £2.71 a share. A loss to the tax-payer of about £2 Billion.
The shares were not offered for public sale, but allegedly sold, en bloc, to Philip Hammond’s city mates at a discount. One smiling trader said, “Thanks Phil we owe you one.”
Another added, “Yes, this is the perfect time to sell us the shares, RBS has completely restructured and is making a profit. It’s now a good business and should start paying a dividend soon. So yes Phil, keep selling them to us at discount and I’ll have that little Chateau in the South of France in no time. After all we wouldn’t want the plebs to benefit.”
A Tory spokesman defended The Chancellor saying, “There’s likely to be a general election soon and this will help fund a tax cut for hard working families. It’s good news for me, MP’s and our mates in the city so it must good for the country.”
He wryly added “People have the cheek to say we don’t do enough to help those in need. Well, we’re listening to you and we are giving back. This proves it.”
Charlie Winn-Winn was also pleased to learn the government planned to sell off the shares, at a discount, every year until 2023. “This is more fantastic news, we will pick them up at a discount and sell them to the pension and investment funds for a premium, ensuring the money keeps flowing into our bank accounts. KERCHING! As we say in the city.”
