A group of specialists have confirmed that without rain, mud and warm cider, Coachella is actually not a real festival.
Despite there being music, dancing and drugs, insiders have confirmed that the lack of filth classes it merely as ‘just a big party’.
‘Once you take away the grime and uncleanliness of a festival, all you’re left with is a big field with some music playing’ shares festival expert, Gary McKinley.
‘It may appear to be a festival from an outsider’s perspective’ he continues, ‘but once you see photos being uploaded from a phone that has battery, it starts to become clear that this is absolutely not the case.’
Sources from within the event have also confirmed that rather than partake in the usual debauchery of actual festivals, such as Glastonbury, party-goers at Coachella try to stay fashionable all day and night.
‘I came to Coachella dressed in an animal onesie, expecting it to be like festivals at home’ says Jenny Archer, 24 from Leeds. ‘It soon became clear that it wasn’t the same at all’.
‘Nobody even knew what to do when I shouted Alan’ Jenny continues, ‘And people here use toilets instead of pissing on the ground. It’s disgusting.’
It is suspected that next year, Coachella will try to gain the title of a real festival by exclusively selling warm canned lager, churning out artificial mud and providing less toilet facilities.
