Councillors in Windsor have been seen sledging using the frozen bodies of homeless people.
One told us, “The council wanted them all removed for the royal wedding. This weather has come as a bit of a boon. We’re miles ahead of schedule and with the bonus for early completion I’ve just bought a new pair of sunglasses and gilet.”
It’s understood that frozen homeless people are the perfect shape for sledging on plus their bodies move with the terrain. It really does make sledging easy.
Another councillor said, “I took the kids to school today. All the other kids were there with crumby plastic sleds. Nobody else had a homeless person. Plus, as they disintegrate and bits drop off them you can teach the kids anatomy. It’s a win win.”
The homeless are so popular that Eton Schools physical education department has got in on the act. “We’ve attached blades to their bodies and are teaching the boys luge and bobsleigh. We’ve already beaten Norway’s top prep school.”
Other councillors have formed a sledge hockey team. “It’s great exercise and you can use unused clothes as bats. I scored a hat trick the other day and celebrated with a bottle of white cider.”
It’s not clear what will happen once the bodies are thawed out. It’s rumoured that the Queen may use them as a source of fuel or that Windsor may host a taxidermy competition.
A councillor said, “Just as long as they’re not cluttering up the High Street. That’s what we were told. I’m probably going to have a couple turned into furniture. I could do with a new hat stand and the leather on my desk needs replacing.”