The Daily Express has warned readers that 20% of them will die this week because of the “Beast from the east”.

Pensioner, Stan Still said, “It’s come as a bit of a shock. I’ve had a good innings though. I’m only 66 but I’ve lived a good life. I’ll miss everyone here but it’ll be nice to see my mum and dad again and find out what happened to Princess Diana and Madelaine McCann.”

With temperatures expected to plummet as low as 269 Kelvin this week, the Express has warned that London could see as much as 2 feet of dead pensioners. One forecaster warned, “Rural areas could see as much as 8 feet of dead pensioners with drifts of up to 14 feet in other ares.”

The Express said, “This winter is one of the coldest we’ve seen for 2 years. But, it’s not as bad as 1947 or 1963. In those years pensioners first fell in December with drifts lasting for months. When you think about it it’s a wonder the Human race managed to reproduce enough people for there to be anyone here today.”

Stan Still, “I remember the winter of 1947. I was a school boy. Each day we’d pick our way through the dead pensioners laying on the floor. We had rationing to contend with as well. I only ate sods of mud for February. We were cold but we were happy.”

The Express warned, “Millions of dead pensioners could cause house prices to collapse as supply out strips demand. There should be the compulsory demolition of pensioners houses to help maintain prices.”

The Express also suggested that taking statins could be beneficialcausecancer.