• A Tsunami threat has been issued for the East coast of England after a man who hasn’t had a shit for a week finally found success in the downstairs loo.

Findley Leigh-Pseudonym, a newspaper editor from Harrogate, had been suffering from constipation since a dodgy pint of Tetley’s bunged him right up.

“It’s been the worst week of my life,” Findley told The Rochdale Herald, “I feel about two stone lighter. When I did a 45 second fart yesterday I knew things were on the move so I contacted the authorities. They’ve been monitoring the situation.”

Izzy-Jo King from the North Yorkshire Institute for Everything issued a statement at 1253 this afternoon.

“A seismic event measuring 7.2 on the Richter scale and centring on the village of Otley occurred around noon today. We are advising that the shock waves from this event may cause a catastrophic tsunami in the region of Whitby, Filey and Scarborough. It is thought that the effects will not reach as far as the Humber estuary although if Hull, Grimsby and Scunthorpe get washed away it wouldn’t be such a bad thing.”

Panic has begun to spread through low lying areas of the east coast with one resident exclaiming “Now then!” and another screaming “By ‘eck!” however one entrepreneur from Goathland, near Whitby, is already planning to open a yacht club on the newly flooded Yorkshire weald.

Locals are being urged to seek high ground away from the coast and take provisions to last a few days.

Stocks of Uncle Terry’s Yorkshire Pudding have already run out in many shops.