In an emotional statement to the world’s press meant to deflect allegations he has a penchant for baby antelope, Kevin the Lion has come out as being openly gay.

This has shocked nobody in the Animal Kingdom today as everyone has already seen Kevin shagging Cecil and others as, frankly, it is pretty easy to see what is going on in the savannah unless you’re paid to look the other way.

Kevin, however, is confident that by referring to himself as Kevin the Big Gay Lion, he will create an insurmountable defence from the suggestion that he is an apex predator. Speaking emotionally last night from Pilanesberg Game Reserve, Kevin said:

“Roar. Roawer. Roaar.”

Sir David Attenborough was kind enough to translate. “Here we see, this noblest of beasts, an apex predator, making an attempt at deflection. A fascinating series of roars, which I would roughly translate as:

“I’m the king of the jungle, the jungle VIP. I’ve reached the top, these allegations have to stop, and that’s what’s bothering me. So what if I ate a baby, you’d all do it too. Eat it up, gulp it down, that’s the privilege that comes with this crown.”

As Kevin continued to roar, Sir David confirmed he had said:

“Frankly, I’ve eaten so many baby antelope, I can’t remember a specific incident, especially if I’ve had a drink. But did I mention I am a Big Gay Lion and I like to have sex with Lions? Look, I’ll show you if you like. Gosh, this isn’t what I meant by blue planet, goodness, I wasn’t expecting to see that.”

The events and characters depicted in this article are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental and you can blame the usual suspects. It’s a mere artifice, a trifling construct, a house of cards if you will, and it should be utterly disregarded.