He’d just logged on

Vox populi Piers Morgan (yeah I used Latin, deal with it, what comic do you think you’re reading, the Mail?) has been left distraught after accidentally flushing an article down the lavvy.

The nation’s favourite troll has been enjoying a sudden upsurge in relative popularity after the Great British Public remembered that it is still technically possible for James Corden to come home.

Piers had been deploying his usual method of article production. He’d enjoyed a lovely meal of five corn on the cob prepared by his lovely wife Melania, washed down with a glass or three of Claret, and he positioned himself carefully to pan for gold.

“I’ll be out in a minute,” he said to his incredibly well behaved kids (who know Dad listens to their phone calls), “I’m just working on a piece for the Mail.” To help his flow along, he chucked out a couple of transphobic tweets, followed by muting the conversation. “Let them squabble, I’ll search in a minute for the incorrect spelling of your/you’re and deploy some megabants.

“I know, I’ll write a column about hypocritical moral repugnance – and then I’ll print it in the Daily Mail, with a picture of me on the byline. HAHAHAHA. That’ll fuck them right off.”

Piers, who most definitely knows his Claret from his Beaujolais, poured himself another glass, taking the opportunity to get more comfortable on his seat. Dictating away into his iphone, he was quickly pleased enough to attempt a spot of multi-tasking, sending the voice file off to his sub-editor with one hand whilst wiping with the other.

Then disaster struck. His iPhone dropped into the pan, just as he’d pressed flush. Water, sweetcorn, and essence of Piers, swirled in the pan. Who knows if the article was sent in time. Who knows if the views of the nation’s favourite male will make it into the nation’s favourite Mail.

Watch this space. Well, don’t, because if that’s your thing, I’m not writing it.