It was announced this morning by a genuinely startled press that international rating agency Moody’s has downgraded the UK credit status to junk after finally realising who is in charge of the country.
The UK’s symbolic rulers, the Conservative Party, had assumed that Ms May’s barnstorming speech in Florence yesterday to an audience of hand picked British former civil servants and political somebodies would just show everyone how in control she is.
This has shocked all political watchers by apparently not being the case.
Apparently the speech, heard by the audience as visionary, if too conciliatory, and powerful, if pretty weak, and bold, if occasionally pathetic, had the opposite impact of what Ms May and her paymasters expected.
The Herald sent our International Relations Aren’t Rude correspondent along to discuss the matter with Moody’s.
“The speech was clearly written by a seasoned author of fantasies,” Mr Pound Short explained.
“We at Moody’s had already decided to downgrade the United Kingdom’s status before the speech.
We didn’t actually believe Ms May could say anything that would materially impact on our emotional assessment of the United Kingdom’s fiscal possibilities going forward with Brexit glowering over the land like a dragon about to shit,” He added.
“However, Theresa’s speech to an audience lacking any EU officials and clearly down out of some insane belief that just going to a famous European city would somehow make Angela Merkel turn into a puff pile of love and awed appreciation could only be the byproduct of a mind that specialises in producing fantasy fake news for consumption by credulous people who prefer an offshore billionaire does their thinking for them,”
This epitome, caused by the speech, is the reason “we at Moody’s have decided the UK is most definitely run now by a foreign power who only has their own interests at heart. You’re junk. Accept it. But that’s not all bad. Now you can be recycled!”
