Health officials in the United Kingdom issued warnings today regarding the consumption of a new species of magic mushroom called ‘Brexit brexitius’ as consumers experience hallucinations of £350M a week going to the NHS.
The warning is especially important because unlike most hallucinogenic agents, the active ingredient in Brexit brexitius does lasting damage and the fantasies experienced while high persist even after the user has come down.
It’s thought up to 52% of the population of the United Kingdom have already consumed Brexit brexitius. While some are recovering admirably upon realising that they have experienced delusions, a core continue to dwell in the dangerous fantasy region against all evidence to the contrary.
The Rochdale Herald’s Mass Public Delusion correspondent spoke to Dr Rem Ainer from Oxforde University to gain greater insight into this powerful psychoactive substance and its dangers.
“The degree of damage Brexit brexitius does to your brain is dependent on many individual factors. For example, if you read the Express or Daily Mail you’re extremely susceptible to the worst end of the spectrum. You’ll develop an irrational fear of foreigners, even if you don’t daily interact with any, and you’ll most likely believe that Brexit will give the UK it’s sovereignty back, even though the government’s own white paper concerning Brexit stated we have never lost it. You’ll also be completely economically illiterate for the rest of your life, although possibly that won’t be a change. You won’t care about a huge loss of individual liberties. An additional, potentially critical harm, will be the loss of any sense of perspective. For example, you’ll probably think that the UK can just boss the largest trade bloc on Earth now that we’ve named an aircraft carrier that doesn’t have any planes after the Queen.”
Dr Ainer went on to detail that many users of Brexit invert their understanding of the world after incurring brain damage.
For example, they’ll believe democracy now means everyone who doesn’t agree with you shutting their mouth forever, especially if they actually have evidence for their contrary opinions.
Additionally you’ll believe taking back control means having to bribe every major employer in the country behind closed doors not to leave the UK.
But asked what the most curious side effect was, the doctor chuckled and replied,
“People with intensive damage caused by eating Brexit brexitius believe numbers written on the side of big red buses. For example, most believe Brexit will lead to an extra £350M a week going to the NHS, even though it’s blindingly obvious now to anyone capable of using opposable thumbs, that Brexit is going to make the country much poorer for a very long time for no perceivable gain.”
The doctor added that he was especially impressed at the wide spread consumption of the mushroom by the general public, given that an inability to use thumbs, and thus knives and forks, was a sign that someone was susceptible to addiction to the mushroom.
“I don’t even know how some of these people get the mushroom into their mouths? I suspect they just mash their faces against a table with Brexit brexitius spread across it until they eventually get some into their gaping mouths.”
