The Department for Exiting the European Union was reported to be rudderless this evening after David Davis was hospitalised after failing to negotiate his way out of a wet paper bag.
Early reports indicate that Mr Davis spent nearly one million pounds of taxpayer’s money having a series of giant paper bags designed, produced and delivered to the DexEU as part of a team building exercise.
Every member of staff was required to climb into the bags, which Davis had called “Barniers”.
The Barniers were next drenched with a garden hose by Mavis, the tea lady, played by an actor specially hired from a renowned Hollywood agency for the event. Her daily rate on set is only twenty five thousand pounds. It’s rumoured she was Kate Winslet.
The hose itself had been specially purchased for the team building exercise from a garden equipment supplier who usually supplies only to the Gulf states, but made an exception for Davis. It has gold thread woven through the hose and only costs six hundred pounds per metre.
Once the bags were thoroughly wet Cedric (The janitor, also an actor, he is charged out at forty thousand pounds a day, and is rumoured to be George Clooney) blew a Georgian policeman’s whistle bought specially for the event from an antique store on Regents Street for only five thousand pounds.
It is reported that every staff member on the exercise rapidly ripped a hole into the side of the giant, wet paper bag and emerged unscathed and rejuvenated, except David Davis, who seemed to struggle.
Ms Shirley Knot, an aide to Mr Davis, who was part of the team building event, told the Rochdale Herald what happened next.
“I was out in about two seconds. Everyone was except the bulldog. We all stood around in a circle watching his giant bag squirm and writhe before toppling over sideways. He was talking all the way through but it was hard to understand what he was saying because the wet paper muffled his voice and also he kept changing his position constantly on what he wanted.”
Presumably he wanted out of the bag?
“He did. He kept demanding the bag just part like the Red Sea I think. But the bag is an inanimate object. What did he expect to happen? Any fool knows you have to tear it to get out.”
It seems any fool but David Davis.
“He ran out of oxygen. He started stumbling into desk and chairs and then he just collapsed and crawled a few feet. It was then that Cedric rushed over and ripped the bag apart and started giving him mouth to mouth. Which was very difficult. He had to keep spitting out the taste of all the crap David’s mouth constantly fills with. It was very heroic. I almost swooned.”
Davis had not regained consciousness by the time the emergency services arrived to ferry him to hospital. There are fears he maybe brain damaged as a result of the incident but no one is sure how they’ll tell.
The EU has released a statement wishing Davis a speedy recovery but stating negotiations will continue without him because he isn’t listening to a damn word they’re saying anyway.
