Downing Street released a statement this morning informing the country that Theresa May will win Brexit by sitting on her chair at low tide on the Kent coast and screaming at the sea.
The announcement has been hailed as a great step forward by supporters of Brexit who see it as proof that the government has indeed been working on a coherent strategy.
It will certainly be an unexpected move by the Prime Minister and one the devious plotters at the EU will have no answer for.
Boris Johnson, Michael Gove, Jacob Rees-mogg and Owen Patterson have volunteered to carry May’s throne to the shoreline for her, before setting it in the sands and retreating so May can take her seat. She will then start screaming at the sea.
An aide to the Prime Minister revealed more of the thinking behind the masterstroke.
“May is a keen student of history. When she read about how King Cnut forced the tide to reverse to the amazement of his retainers she knew that real British history could give her the answer to the minor problem of winning Brexit.”
Labour have been largely mute on the subject, but a gender equality spokeswoman did point out that the lack of gender or ethnic diversity in May’s retinue showed the government was not committed to sharing the glory of winning Brexit with Labour in spite of their leader’s willingness to rubber stamp it.
Concerns that May maybe misinterpreting the apocryphal anecdote and find herself extremely wet have been taken as evidence of just how unpatriotic the fifth column in our society is.
“All true Brits will get behind the Prime Minister as she follows the great example of one of our finest English kings. But we ask you not to step into the waters alongside Theresa May in case you cause the water level to rise when it shouldn’t.”
Downing Street have also released the draft text that Ms May will scream at the sea while facing the EU.
“Let all unelected eurocrats know how empty and worthless is the power of the EU, for there is none worthy of the name, but Theresa May whom heaven, earth, and sea obey by the power of the will of the people and Brexit.”
The screaming is expected to continue until the EU has bent the knee.
