This startling fact has now been scientifically proven and published in an official report. Restaurants will be forced to close after it was discovered that many of them actually serve food.

Long term study reveals that 100% of cancer sufferers were also food eaters. The conclusion is irrefutable. “Statistically speaking, there is no doubt at all,” said the report’s author, Dr Polly Unsaturates. “There is a perfect correlation, the best I’ve ever seen.”

Dr Unsaturates reveals that she has researched the entire database held by Rochdale City Hospital. In each case, suffering from cancer was preceded by the patient eating food.
In additional research to find the most toxic foodstuffs, groups of people were asked to eat a single foodstuff.

All the major food groups – chocolate, crisps, chicken, curry and cake – were tested. In each test, volunteers were sealed in a room with only the one foodstuff to eat. The chocolate eaters died from seratonin overload, which is more usually found in orgasm addicts. The cake guzzlers developed diabetes and those choffing crisps simply OD’ed on E numbers. Although the chicken and curry volunteers lasted reasonably well, with only a small percentage of fatalities, severe illnesses were becoming apparent.

A sceptical reply was offered by Dr Ava Doubt, an estranged colleague of Dr Unsaturates. “In many cases, people go through life eating food and never get cancer,” she said.

“Without food, they would die anyway.” Rochdale City Hospital has removed Dr Doubt from her post. An official statement suggested that she should get over it.

Emergency legislation is to be introduced to reclassify chocolate as a Class A drug.

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