One of the many mysteries wrapped up inside the “Brexit means Brexit” enigma has been revealed. To the overwhelming delight of the capital’s aspirational first-time buyers, there has never been a better time to get your feet on the property ladder.

To explain, we talked to Mort Gage of popular estate agents Houses 4 U R Us. “We were the first agency in London, possibly the entire country, to drop euphemisms for ‘expensive’. Being honest about the fact that property is bloody expensive brought us a lot of kudos, if not business,” he revealed.

Gage further explains that the Brexit effect means that rich Europeans are selling up, and not buying, leading to a drastic fall in the price of the average home. “Our prestige properties have been downgraded to merely ‘eye-watering’ instead of ‘magic money tree’.”

A spate of terrorist attacks and the Grenfell blaze have led to further price drops. “Apartments in tower blocks are now categorised as ‘genuinely affordable’, at least if you are a couple on six-figure salaries,” Gage concedes. He refutes the suggestion that these apartments, usually referred to as ‘starter homes’, are now colloquially known as ‘firestarter homes’.

Young buyers Dee Luded and her husband, Col, are overjoyed. “We have finally bought our own corner of the capital!” she gushes. “It has a downstairs toilet, too!” Mr Luded points out, tactlessly, that it IS a toilet, but concedes that the starving migrant family which comes free with the property will provide both rental income and warmth.

We won’t mention the fact that the fall in prices has given the stinking rich an opportunity to buy up empty properties and rent them out at an exorbitant rate.

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