People who pay for things using the exact change are “worse than Hitler, Stalin and Piers Morgan combined” according to new research.
The study, which was carried out within the head of Rochdale man Kevin Simons, 37, found that people who insist on counting out the correct number of pennies from their stupid fucking purses are responsible for inflicting levels of human suffering normally only seen during times of war.
“My research has found that if you’re the sort of person who thinks that it’s fine to hold everyone up whilst you fish around in your handbag for coppers, so that the checkout assistant, who now hates you by the way, doesn’t ‘use up all their change’, then you clearly lack the empathy and self-awareness required to function in a civilised society,” he told our reporter.
“Oh, and if you get to the checkout and don’t automatically have your purse ready, and instead do that stupid headshake to yourself and say something inane like ‘silly me’, then you should probably be removed from the general population and forced to live on an island full of really angry bears.”
Simons denied that his findings may have been biased by the fact that he was hungry and in a rush to get back to work. He maintained that the study had been replicated across multiple lunchtimes and was corroborated by his experiences in post offices, newsagents and coffee shops. He has since commenced a follow-up study to work out how many Nectar points he would have to save up to in order to have the ‘coin-peddling twat witch’ sealed inside a lead container and fired into the sun.
The research subject, Sylvia Wilson, 80, told the Herald that she had been tempted to pay for her items using a contactless credit card but decided to use loose change “purely to annoy that jumped up little prick behind me.”
“I also voted for Brexit. Because fuck you, young people.”
