A casual cocaine user from Rochdale has accused the Bank of England of intentionally trying to injure and poison him with the new fiver.
Nathan Webster 22, a cocaine fan from Rochdale, complained:
“These new fivers are all plastic, so when I’m out huffing the devil’s dandruff the plastic cuts up my nostrils. It really hurts and I might be increasing the amount of BPA’s I’m exposed to.
“BPA’s are a massive health risk as they effect the brain and can lead to raised blood pressure. I don’t think it’s right that they’re put in our fivers until we know the full dangers. There should be some sort of warning on them.”
Cocaine is usually made on the floor in South American forests, by people using petrol or sulphuric acid to extract it from leaves. It is often cut with random white powders before it is bought by users.
Nathan told the Herald:
“All right, so petrol is used to make it, but that’s natural and organic. Plastic in fivers, who knows what that shit’s doing to me?”
Dr Henry Seddon of Rochdale college told the Herald:
“Considering cocaine has side effects such as raised blood pressure, heart attack, heart failure, convulsions and talking complete shite, we can conclude that Nathan is a righteous moron rather than concerned about the effects of BPA’s in fivers.
“My advice would be to give up taking drugs if he wants to improve his health.”
