The number of women reporting breast injuries has increased dramatically since June 2016, according to Dr Feltham Bubiz, head of Unspeakable Female Problems at Rochdale General Hospital.
“There must be a connection with the referendum,” Dr Bubiz remarked, “but I have no idea what the connection is.”
Inpatient Mrs Dee Cupp, waiting in reception with her husband Kofi, was more forthcoming. “Kofi voted Leave, mainly for the extra funding for the NHS, but he’s African, and now he’s the target for racist attacks, and has been threatened with deportation. He feels a right tit most of the time.” Almost subconsciously, Kofi looked deeply ashamed and started to fondle Dee’s right breast. “My right breast is deeply bruised now,” Dee continued, “and many other women are suffering too.”
Professor Belle Curve, from Rochdale Community University’s Department of Damned Lies, shed more light on the problem. “The police have been involved too,” she said, “since men will seize any right breast going. There has been a corresponding rise in harassment complaints, correlating with the breast injuries. Women who feel a right tit will tend to self-harm. Oddly, although there has also been an increase in people feeling a complete dick, there has been no increase in complaints from men.”
However, one person who is pleased with the current state of affairs is Rochdale’s premier slapper, Nicola Start. “I’m loving all the attention,” she says happily, “but my left tit feels left out.”
Nicola Start’s left tit is left out quite a lot of the time.
