Scientists at Rochdale’s Community University have proven conclusively that people identifying themselves on social media as “Patriots” are actually just thick twats.

“People who identify themselves on social media as patriots are actually just thick twats” Professor Levi-Strauss told The Herald. “They’re usually wilfully ignorant and racist. That’s what makes them such massive bellends.

“They say they’re patriotic but what they really mean is that they’re poorly read xenophobes who think all of their problems were caused by somebody else, from somewhere else.”

Professor Levi-Strauss’ conclusive experiment included spending half an hour reading the comments section of The Daily Mail and spending two minutes on the phone with somebody from the English Defence League.

“I really couldn’t do much more research than that without smashing my phone to pieces and they are rather expensive.” He told us.

Symptoms of being a thick twat or “patriot” appear to include saying “Enoch woz right” and “send um back” all the time.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.