Reports are coming in this morning that despite 2017’s best efforts David Attenborough has been found alive and well.
The news comes as welcome relief after several elderly millionaire celebrities including George Michael (53) and Richard Adams (96) died during the unseasonably cold Christmas period in 2016.
Sir Attenborough was found by a neighbour sitting in the middle of a pentagram in his candlelit living room with the curtains drawn.
“It was pretty spooky to be honest,” said Norris Fairweather, “he wasn’t on his own. There’s was a chap with a bone in his nose in a loincloth singing foreign songs at him. And it smelled of ‘special’ cigarettes in there.”
A spokesman for the BBC told The Herald that they’re taking “every possible precaution” to ward off 2017 until the next season of Planet Earth is complete.
