Billy Bush is to return to the Today programme after receiving a grovelling apology from the network owners. 

They have also sacked the producers and director and Matt Lauer is to be made to wear a sign around his neck saying “I Suck Billy’s Balls”.

Bush, who is to be promoted to the position of “Oracle of The Donald”, will be responsible for “telling the people’s truth to the people” and will be the only reporter to get access to The Donald. He will also be allowed to “grab women by the pussy” as part of his duties.

In a statement the Network said “We unreservedly apologies to both Mr Bush and The Donald. Our recent conduct has been unacceptable and deplorable. We would ask that Mr Bush and The Donald grab the pussies of our wives, mothers & daughters as we all seek to serve”.