As we take in the wonderful news of the large increase in the number of elephants across the south of Africa, Zimbabwe has called for the legalization of the ivory trade.

Zimbabwe, famous for its equality and the fabulous treatment of its citizens, has almost 30 million pounds of ivory stockpiled which it can’t sell, and claims the money from ivory could help protect the species. Much like the best way to solve cramp in your toes is to cut your leg off.

President Robert Mugabe (if you’re in Yorkshire say his name backwards e-ba-gum, not relevant to the story but amusing none the less) backs the plans saying “we would only take the ivory off the already dead elephants, or the lame or very sick ones, and the ones that look like they’re having a bad day. We never touch the good, healthy ones. Not while anybody’s looking”.

The news has got the stock markets buzzing with shares in pianos, ashtrays and walking stick handles soaring.