Plans to move the makeshift refugee camp in Calais to Southend were quashed today after a cross party committee called the plans inhumane.

Refugees from all over world have been huddled under canvass in appalling conditions, many for years on end, with limited access to sanitation or basic services.

Conditions in the makeshift Calais Jungle Migrant Camp are said to be dreadful.

The proposal, by beleaguered Rochdale MP Simon “Spanker” Danczuk, would have seen 9,000 asylum seekers moved en masse to Southend by mid-September.

The proposed move was scrapped with the committee citing a bikini ban, a total lack of indoor plumbing and poor dental facilities amongst a long list of other reasons.

Many beachfront properties in Southend on Sea lack basic amenities like running water and electricity.

Haid D-Salaami a Syrian Refugee said;

“That was close, Syria is pretty rough right now and Calais in December is no fun at all, I can tell you and I’ve been here four years. But Southend. Wow. No thanks.”

This story is almost as true as the Daily Mail front page this morning.