Bernie Ecclestone’s brave gamble with Brazilian kidnappers backfired spectacularly last night when his Mother-in-Law was released fit and well from her 9 day captivity.
Formula 1 owner Ecclestone had resolutely refused to negotiate with the kidnappers and was not prepared to pay a single penny in ransom. However his plans veered out of control yesterday when Aparecida Schunck, 67, turned up unexpectedly on his doorstep wanting to know exactly what the fuck her son in law had been doing whilst she had spent the best part of 2 weeks playing Charades with 2 unemployed goat herders from Sao Paulo.
 It is believed that the kidnappers released her after she managed to talk for 48 hours non-stop about how beautiful her daughter is and “what a good boy” her son in law was. She also berated them for not ringing their mothers once during the whole time and how they should both find themselves a nice Catholic girl. 

Things became tense as she insisted on holding their hands and praying for them but the final straw came when she licked a tissue and rubbed a gravy mark from the chin of the ringleader.

 Ms Schunck who was previously described as “a bit of a pain in the arse” is apparently the first person to secure a voluntary release from this highly organised kidnap gang. Sources close to Mr Ecclestone said that whilst he was, of course, delighted at the return of a Mother-in-Law 17 years his junior he did despair that in today’s World “if you want a job doing properly you had better do it your fucking self”.

Get monthly highlights in your inbox

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.