New Tory Crabbs Clinic opens in Rochdale

Great news for Rochdale’s Yorkshire Street just keeps rolling in. As well as being a wonderful area for shopping, entertainment and food, it’s also becoming something of a local equivalent of London’s Harley Street with clinics and Health practitioners popping up at a rate of knots.

The latest addition is the FWNR Clinic, which stands for Fell Well Not Right.

The centre, founded last year by Dr Kay Marks and Company, hopes to help those who have become right-wing parodies and conservative caricatures find help and rejoin society.

Dr Marks said, “Professor N. Gells and I have been helping those afflicted with rightist tendencies for years now. We cured so many who’d fallen ill with the BNP Disease that the party eventually disbanded, many of those in remission are living on a commune in Wales.”

Gells and Marks’ therapies range from basic education, meditation and a ban on tabloids to electro-shock therapy and ice baths and their successes are evidenced by the two volume book of testimonials on display in the foyer.

But it’s far from a guaranteed programme of recovery, with some failing badly and lurching even further to the right.

“We’ve had a number of high profile failures, we have to admit that,” said Dr Marks, “and it’s not pretty when you lose a patient.”

One such failure was Douglas Carswell, once a prominent conservative MP.

“Douglas was referred to us after his comments in parliament raised a lot of red flags- or rather very blue ones. We thought he was in remission but he was too far gone. He rebelled against the treatment and joined UKIP.”

The regret and pain on Dr Marks’ face was obvious as she told us. However since opening in Rochdale there’s only been one single such failure:

“Stephen Crabb was brought in a few weeks ago. He was clutching his favourite show tunes CD and moaning about poofters,” explained Dr Marks, “and it was immediately obvious that he was going to be a challenging case indeed.”

According to witnesses, Crabb insulted the curtains, demanded a Mr Motivator workout DVD and then began smashing vases and insulting the curtains and general décor.

“We tried to calm him but he began calling everybody a wooly-woofter and then stood right in front of Professor Gells, with his face less than an inch from hers and shouted ‘Toryism can’t be cured, you arse-bandit enabling quack socialist fartbasket! Some of us are born this way! I can’t help being a self-centred, hate-filled, scrote-faced Tory dullard! It’s in my f***ing nature!’ and she felt quite threatened by his behaviour. Eventually she asked him to leave and I believe she’s looking into naming a condition that she’s writing a paper on after him.”

After recent events though, the FWNR clinic is hoping to have rather more success with Rochdalians themselves:

“A lot of people with out-dated right-wing views feel quite empowered by the referendum results and it has unfortunately convinced them that their delusions are actually valid points of view. We hope that we can steer them away from blaming their late milk deliveries on immigrants and Muslims and towards a more centred and healthy, balanced well-being that comes from not being a knuckle-dragging jizzchimp with Crabb Syndrome (Crabbs).”

Funded in part by the EU, The FWNR Clinic charges are based on what individuals can pay, as according to N. Gells, financial hardship actually contributes to rightist tendencies and excessive pricing would be counter productive.

They are open for business now and say no appointment is needed for an initial consultation.

Which is good for Rochdale and good for the future of the United Kindom.