Thousands of patriots across the length and breadth of Britain called for a ‘complete boycott’, of supermarkets, after it turned out a Tesco’s store in Yorkshire was stocking lettuce which appears to have voted REMAIN in the EU referendum.
The incident occurred this morning after tough talking Leave voter Brian Less, 42, entered his local store in Huddersfield, only to make the appalling discovery that the store that rampant liberalism blighting his beloved country had now spread to fresh vegetables.
‘I was about to settle down at home and watch us smash the Aussies – I can’t stand anything about them lot – when I realised we were out of beer, so I popped out to the market for some Fosters.’ Less vividly recounted, as if it had only happened 3 hours previously.
‘Whilst I was in there, I took a wrong turn and ended up in this weird aisle I’d never seen before, it was full of fruit and veg and people with skin pigmentation. Strange place, I’d never seen owt like it. Anyway, as I tried to negotiate my way to the til, I overheard this fancy middle class lass, I think she were from Halifax judging by her accent, asked her kid to get her some ‘Remain Lettuce’. Needless to say, I was bloody livid, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.’
‘Remain lettuce! What the bloody hell is going on?! The EU have already straightened our British bananas, and now they’re subverting our lettuce! Then to add insult to injury, when I enquired where the ‘Leave Carrots’ were in the interests of balance, it was met with a load of sniggering from the so called ‘customer service’ team, as if I was talking out of my arse. The cheeky twat even asked me if I wanted some gammon and some undemocratically grown Brussel Sprouts instead! Sprouts from BRUSSELS?!?!’
‘Well, they’re not getting another penny out of me until they remove all pro-Remain items from sale. It’s an absolute disc race.’
With many people backing Les’ noble stance, many high ranking Brexiteers once again mercilessly profited on the slightest whiff of mania, with news emerging that Jacob Rees-Mogg’s book ‘The sovereign vegetable’ had been flying off the shelves as a result of the controversy.
As ever though, a high ranking member of the liberal metropolitan elite was on hand to discredit common sense, with store manager Dele Catflower, who earns an eye watering £17,000 per year, humbly gracing us with his presence after climbing down from his ivory tower to predictably defend his markets stance.
‘Not this crap again.’ he cockily brushed off when approached by the Herald. ‘I kept trying to explain to Mr Less, it’s called romaine lettuce, it has nothing to do with Brexit, but he wouldn’t have any of it and just shouted over me about Dunkirk, for some reason.’
‘I know most Remain voters have the personality of a lettuce, but even so, I genuinely can’t fathom why this is so difficult to understand. Look, the referendum was 3 years ago, if you can find a lettuce that has lasted that long, never mind one that voted, then good luck.’
‘Besides, It’s not like your average Leave voter actually eats vegetables unless they’re starch based and they’ve been fried, so who gives a shit what the Lettuce’s political persuasion is?’
We understand Mr Less has now ended his boycott, after he ran out of fags this afternoon.
