Following on from yesterday’s shock departure of the venomous snakes, an intrusion of cockroaches have also terminated their contract to appear on this years upcoming ‘I’m a celebrity, get me out of here’
Traditionally the cockroaches have previously been in contact with the likes of Freddie Flintoff, Fatima Whitbread and Jorgie Porter.
The show, surprisingly running for its seventh season, sees ‘celebrities’ allegedly hard done by, in a desperate attempt to stop them dissapearing from everyone’s conscious minds. They are made to complete bushtucker trials for food, and live in conditions the equivalent to that of a modern UK care home.
“This year sees the return of the fire breathing, bile inducing, venomous, elongated, soulless, carnivorous reptile of the suborder Serpentes” Confirmed Hopkins agent.
The cockroach union leader ‘Papa Roach’ states that the previous years have been tolerable. However upon hearing that Hopkins was entering again, that this was the final straw and they are taking a stand in line with their reptilian counterparts.
“A few of us have tried to make light of being eaten alive, and ordered to enter the bodies of those participating in times gone by. This year however oversteps the boundary of any living beings decency!”
“Generally we’re OK with those participating, as we generally have no clue as to they are. I mean what the hell is a Rebekah Vardy? We’re really confused about what you humans consider to be a celebrity though.
“When the beast incarnate Hopkins, and last year’s winner – a no talent gobshite geordie – are considered ‘celebs’, no wonder Trump is in charge of the free world. Saying that, we’ve actually had some fun with the likes of Bobby Ball in the past, so it’s not that bad.”
“Katie f****** Hopkins!? Seriously, the world is on the brink of nuclear war, which you all know we’ll survive. The last thing we want on our minds as we wander the desolate barren waste lands, is to be the only living creatures with memories and physical contact with the worst thing to happen since Hitler’s dad jizzed him out of his todger.”
One cockroach who wished to remain nameless said. “I keep having nightmares that when I touch her, ill burn alive and that my body will be absorbed into hers. I’ve heard that’s how she stays alive, and is immortal.”
ITV have declined to comment that if you say her name three times in a mirror, you turn into an immigrant for a Daily Mail story about adoption. Hopkins was too busy devouring a small child to comment.
‘I’m a celebrity, get me out of here’ starts on our screens later this year, and to signal the end of humanity.
