A Grimsby husband, who last week told his wife he was leaving her but who is now soiling himself at the prospect of living alone in a sticky-carpeted bedsit, has proposed establishing a ‘temporary sexual union’ to enable him to stay put without having to accept responsibility for having taken a massive metaphorical crap in his own bed.
“I’ve been thinking about leaving her for ages,” said self-indulgent prick, Graham Britton.
“I’m not allowed roll up shitfaced at three in the morning, she moans like fuck if I stare at her sister’s tits, and I have to spend the weekend at Ikea instead of twatting about with my mates. I thought I’d just have to look at another woman and she’d drop to her knees and start sucking, but it turns out they all require more out of a relationship than regular 5ml quantities of my loving spoonful. Uptight and frigid.”
Under the suggested terms of the deal, Britton, 34, would remain in the family home for up to a further two years, and would be entitled to avail himself of all the sexual benefits associated with a normal marriage. This would allow him the opportunity to make alternative arrangements with other female humans so that he needn’t be without a woman to bow to his needs for any significant period of time.
“He can go shove a spiky cactus up his todger,” said Britton’s wife, Jean-Claudette.
“And not one of those little cactuses you can buy for three quid in Sainsbury’s; one of the big, angry ones that John Wayne used to hide behind. If he thinks I’m just gonna roll over and take his sh*t after he’s been telling everyone what a bitch I am, he can sodding well think again. The semi-potent, shrivelly-cocked twat.”
Despite this minor setback, Britton has insisted that negotiations pertaining to his self-centred and ridiculously optimistic proposal are progressing ‘incredibly well’.
