As the temperature hits 25C in Leeds sweaty rioters armed with Soleros and Lyon’s Maid Choc Ices are rioting in Leeds Centre and are currently barricaded in Argos.
It is believed the civil unrest started after Argos began running out of pedestal fans.
“We were woefully under prepared. Greg, the stock manager, only put an order in for 30 units of fans this month as the weather hasn’t been too impressive, but with the heatwave of the past two days, we knew a storm was coming. I hope Greg is okay, last I saw he was fending off rampaging customers with a fire extinguisher.” Said Tom Butler, an Argos employee who managed to escape as the mob ransacked the store.
“It’s so hot!” One rioter with a looted Fab ice lolly screamed as he was thrown into the back of a police van. “How can anybody be expected to sleep when it’s almost 19C. It’s inhumane!”
Riot police have arrived at the scene and are preparing for a push into the store. West Yorkshire Police Commissioner Chief Mark Davies said;
“They’ve fashioned a catapult out of a hammock and some weight benches and now my officers are being bombarded with burning Argos catalogues.
We’ve tried everything. Paddling pools, free choc ices and we’ve almost completely run out of water balloons. We just can’t cool them down.”
The situation is getting out of hand and we’ve had to call for the Army reserves. My officers aren’t equipped for dealing with this and frankly we’re sweating our bollocks off in this riot gear.”
Boris Johnson is thankfully expected to arrive on the scene with water cannon to subdue the crowd and restore order.
See, they weren’t such a bad idea after all.
