Speaking privately to The Rochdale Herald’s Donna Bellievitti, Satanic cultist and alleged writer Lynda la Plante discussed his expulsion from the group.
“Look it’s simple innit, evwywon nose dat U use Susie Salt to draw a chuffing pentagram on da flawwwer. But dis guy just as no idiya of da dun fing in dese circlz!!!… Its a twavesty to use Kous cous to summon Kerfulu.”
“And den dere was da time e used Pursey Peppa instead of Wichard Bwansons pickled spunk when twying to bwing BEELZEBUB back, and instead we ended up getting skweamed at by Wichad Whitely!!!”
Apparently the final straw came after deciding to use turmeric paste instead of his own blood when binding an 8th level entity to the soul of Michael Gove, resulted in a fork in the development of the multiverse and Tim Farron being inserted into the timeline out of nowhere. “We wied weally aard to ando is mysteak… bat to know avayal.”
“All dat appened was Laua Kuenssberg got fwatulence, and so we kiked im
aaat!”
Although our team tried to contact Mr Harriott to discuss these allegations, all that we received in response was the following statement from his legal team.
“Our Client is currently engaged trying to fit himself inside a Kinder Surprise, and has asked us to speak on his behalf.”
“The suggestion that Mr Harriot satanically seasoned anything ever is absolutely preposterous, and any further accusations of cultist condimentation errors will be dealt with in a court of law.”
“And anyway, how do you know it wasn’t Lenny Henry?”
