Theresa May faced the press this week in a hope to clarify future government spending. In an exclusive interview with the Rochdale Herald she laid out her specific plans for various sectors:
“Mrs. May, it is common knowledge that the government will be forced to make some funding cuts, especially with the billions we’re going to have to pay to the EU for leaving, any idea which departments we should start with?”
“Go through the list.”
“Ok. Healthcare?”
“Cut”
“Education?”
“Cut”
“Transport?”
“Cut”
“Arts?”
“Definitely cut.”
“Care?”
“Not really…oh I see what you meant…cut.”
“Foreign aid?”
“Cut”
“Policing?”
“Cut”
“Cornwall?”
“What the hell is that? Cut”
“Libraries?”
“Cut”
“Disability benefits?”
“Cut”
“Any other benefits?”
“Cut”
“Green energy?”
“Cut”
“Nuclear weapons”
“Now you hold on! Don’t you go making stupid bloody suggestions like that! We need those nukes for protection! What’s the point in having any of those other things if you don’t have the ability to melt millions of people with the push of a button, ay? You’re a prick for suggesting that. I bet you want us all to die don’t you? You make me sick. Think of the troops you animal!”
“….Animals?”
“Cut”
“Mental health services?”
“Cut”
“Taxes for the rich?”
“Well, we’ve cut a fair bit. Probably best we cut those too, just to be fair.”
“What will you say to those who oppose these cuts?”
“Cross me and I’ll cut you too.”
