The Rochdale Herald would like to pass on advice regarding the nasty viral infection which has reared its ugly head in the UK recently.

Please read this information and act accordingly. DO NOT IGNORE this information as failure to act will allow the virus to spread.

• By far the best course of action is to self isolate, keeping well away from anyone who has succumbed to the virus.
• Luton in Bedfordshire is reported to be the epicentre of the outbreak. Caution is advised when visiting the area.
• If you come into contact with anyone who has been infected it is recommended that you wash thoroughly with carbolic soap, rinse your mouth out with a mixture of salty water and tequila and listen to a Bob Dylan album.
The virus, known as Stevenyaxleylennon, is particularly dangerous amongst certain groups. If you belong to the following groups please take extra care as you may be particularly at risk:
• the elderly
• Leave voters
• UKIP members
• bigots
• racists
• homophobes
• xenophobes
• “Patriots”
• the plain stupid
While the majority of people can shrug off exposure to Stevenyaxleylennon with no worse symptoms than a nasty taste in their mouth and the sensation of their skin creeping, the above groups have been known to develop GAMMON18, the disease known to develop from the virus. If you fall into more than one of these categories, please isolate yourself from the rest of the population because…. well just because.
The development of the latest strain of Stevenyaxleylennon has been arrested (following a particularly nasty case at Centre Parcs). This does not mean that the virus will be neutralised as it can be transmitted readily over social media and does not require actual human contact.

Be vigilant!