Middle class consumers were left reeling today after one of the much beloved ‘super foods’ they incessantly extol the virtues of confirmed that everyone has been pronouncing its name incorrectly.
Long pronounced Keen-warh by people up and down the land, popular gluten free flavourless mush Quinoa revealed to the Herald how he lashed out at a consumer he overheard mispronouncing his name in Waitrose, Cheadle.
‘I was just sat there, on the shelf, listening to the loose grain cereal bang on about how great he is for the environment, when this mum and her insufferable kid, who was mithering for another pony, walked past, and she said something along the lines of ‘we’ll go to the stables after I’ve bought some keen-warh.’ and it was the straw that broke the camels back. I wouldn’t mind, but it was the 16th time today and it’s not even 10.30 at this point, so I just lost my shit’
‘Its not like one of those Irish names, its literally pronounced phonetically as it’s spelt, KWIN-OH-AH – have these morons forgotten that basic primary school English lesson Q & U together makes a KW sound, or are they just that insecure that it’s a vapid attempt to make me sound like some exotic, exclusive item?’
‘Well, I’ve got news for you, I’m a plant, you may as well just crush up some weeds from the garden, at least it’d be free. And how about you use your bloody taste buds, FFS!! I literally taste of nothing! These supermarkets could package up sawdust shavings at 15.99, call it something pretentious, and you’d all lap it up as some new superfood fad. Sod this, I’m going on a bender with the organic veg lads.’
After the blunder, red faced shopper Sally Cinnamon-Bunn from Burnage – or as she pronounces it, Burnáge – admitted Quinoa was now off the menu for the foreseeable future.
‘He was really angry, I’ve not had a bollocking in a shop since I went to my corner shop and asked for Dom Perignon. It’s a shame, as we’re having people over, and they all know my Keen-warh salad is just devine.’
‘Never mind, I’ll just have to whip something up with the Fooey Grass I bought instead’
