A knackered dam in Derbyshire has described the UK prime minister as looking “dodgy but unstable” and a “substantial risk”.

The dam in Whaley Bridge observed Boris Johnson as he flew over during a publicity stunt yesterday afternoon. The operation to shore up his leadership “may go on for a few months”. 

Chinook helicopters have been drafted in by the government to drop sacks of money onto the dam in an effort to shore up support for the Conservative Party.

“We have billions of pounds sitting around doing nothing and then this dam popped a leak so we thought we may as well do something with it.” A spokesman for the government told The Rochdale Herald.

“We’ve so far dropped four hundred tonnes of fivers onto the side of the dam in big bags, we were going to use sand but the way inflation is likely to go we figure in the long run it’ll be more cost effective to just use actual money.”

“We’ll need the sand for sandbags for street barricades for when we need to start shooting plebs when the Brexit food riots start anyway. It’s important to plan ahead.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.