Scientists from Rochdale’s Community University have finally managed to find a cure for human sexuality after asking people to imagine Ann Widdecombe fiddling with herself in a bubble bath.

Homosexuals and heterosexuals of all genders were miraculously cured of all sexual desires forever during the study.

“It’s a blunt tool and may have some implications for the survival of mankind.” Brian Cocks, Professor of Pointless Studies & Pseudoscience, told The Rochdale Herald.

“But it turns out that Ann Widdecombe is herself a cure for homosexuality. All you have to do is imagine Ann Widdecombe paddling the pink canoe and that’s it, bam, nothing will ever be sexy again.”

“Trouble is that it stops men from getting stiffies on both sides of the aisle permanently. Don’t get me started on what happens to women who accidentally imagine Ann Widdecombe buffin’ the muffin. Their genitals vanish completely!”