A fresian of excitement has gripped Newcastle over the last few days, with the news that Nigel Farage would be visiting. The Brexit Party leader has been credited for realising politics cud be mooved to the far right, if someone was full of enough bull.

He was astonished however to find his brand of bullocks met a milkshake. Farage is accustomed to heifers believing his tales of a longhorn, but the voter in question did not want to allow Farage to be herd. Instead, in what any High Court Judge of the Northern Circuit will recognise could not possibly be pre-mediated, this northerner threw away £5.25.  

Yes, you heard us right, a £5.25 milkshake. Thrown away! How dairy? Apparently it was from Five Guys – which we don’t think is a reference to the ingredients.

Despite this lapse in security, there was relief in the Farage camp that it was banana and not chocolate. Head of Security Wayne Kerr commented “imagine if a chocolate one hit him in the face, there’s a very real risk he’d be lynched by his own supporters before they realised that wasn’t his natural skin colour.”

Farage has hastily mooved on from Newcastle, with Wakefield the next stop on his tour. The home of the original infamous Question Time Wall of Gammon, Farage hopes he’ll be safe. However, we understand the owner of popular ale house and live music venue The Hop plans to shake things up, saying:

“Look, if he gets all the middle aged dads to go and listen to him, it could leave us with no dad bands at The Hop, and we haven’t missed a beat in years.”

Hopes are high that Wakey lads & lasses will get him with vanilla, strawberry and chocolate, aka the Wakey Trinity.

Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he's read the article?