A spokesman (We’re not sure why we’re clarifying this. It was never going to be a spokeswoman.) for Islamic State, Biedel Zhabhout, said “Yet again we prevail over the infidel westerners at their Christmastime by placing disgusting flavoured sweets in their favourite festive chocolate mixture.”
Analysts concur that there can be no other explanation for the presence of the noxious synthetic flavoured ‘orange’ Revels. “It takes an expert eye to tell which Revels are likely to be the deathly ones.” said confectionary terrorism expert Sir Bournville Cadbury.
“They are somewhat smaller than the delicious honeycomb ones and slightly larger than the sophisticated coffee ones. But such a differentiation may be beyond the expertise of the casual or first-time Revels consumer and thus the ‘agent orange’ capsules boobytrap the unwary like land mines or a roadside bomb.”
“The other flavours, raisin, chocolate, coffee, honeycomb and that toffee that’s harder than a fluffy double-hard bastard kitten all sit well together and engage the same set of taste buds. But pseudo-orange flavour? It’s purely wrong, exactly like like the orange crunch ones in Quality Street.”
ISIS, however, refuted suggestions that they were responsible for strawberry cream Roses. “We’re not fucking barbarians.”
